Discouraged

So I'm not sure why I would choose to write about this publicly, but I am. I am not looking for pity, I just feel like it's something I need to blog about. I must confess that I have been very wrapped up in self-image lately. I find myself obsessing about how I look and how other women look better than me. They are skinner, prettier, have nicer clothes, have great hair, and the list goes on. Let me first start by saying this is not a reflection on Trevor. He does a great job as a husband reminding me I am beautiful to him. This is just something I continually struggle with.

I had never struggled with weight my whole life. When I was around 22, I started gaining weight, and it came on fast. It has just gotten worse ever since then. I think I have used food as a comforter. When I am nervous or sad I find myself eating. The actual habit of putting something to my mouth and chewing is soothing to me I guess. And for a while I couldn't even think about exercise. It is like this extreme hopeless pit of despair. I know that if I really put my mind to it I could loose weight and get back into shape. But the thought of how much time, energy, and effort it would take seems utterly hopeless to me.

Something else that is hard is that, why is it not enough that Trevor thinks I am beautiful? Why do I have this overwhelming desire to like what I see in the mirror. The worst is pictures. For some reason when I see pictures of myself it is a huge, ugly reminder of how fat I am. I long to look at a picture again and smile, because I am happy with how I look.

Now that I have wrote about the hopelessness I feel, let me write about hope. First let me share a verse that has been very important to me lately.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

So that is what I have to do. I must remind myself what is true about myself. Could I stand to loose a few pounds and live a healthier lifestyle? Sure, of course. But at the end of the day what is most important? The desire to look better for what society demands as beautiful, or that;
-I have an amazing husband who already loves me for who I am and how I look.
-I have been blessed with many talents that I am able to use for God's glory.
-I have a loving family and some great friends.
-I have a loving, caring savior who delights in me.

~He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me. Psalm 18:19

That's right people. The God of the universe delights in me. Even when I am far from delighting in myself, HE DELIGHTS IN ME! So will the road to getting to a healthier weight be long and hard? Yes. Will I stumble and want to give up? Will I still look at pictures with disgust and defeat? Yes, but in all this will I remember what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy? YES! That Jesus delights in me? YES! Now how is that for getting over hopeless? Thank you Jesus for giving me Joy. :)